I was thinking that change has a weird way of pushing onez self into self-reflection. Because everything externally is not really processing fully (because it’s changing) it’s like the mind has to pick at something.
My mind picks on me.
It does has a process that it goes through of popping in with things that are true about me, only to stab those things in the face with every shrapnel piece of doubt it can find. For, example, when meeting new people:
BRAIN: She said something weird didn’t she? Do you think she said that about you? I bet she thinks you’re weird.
ME: But I am weird. Everyone is weird, and you are your own weird and that’s something we came to truth with a long time ago, why are you bringing this up again?
BRAIN: *decisively* She thinks you’re weird. And crazy.
ME: AGAIN, we’ve been over this, everyone is crazy, everyone is weird, everyone worries all the time that people are judging them and they never are. Calm the fuck down!
BRAIN: You’re so awkward. But you’re smart and you’re better than this. Stop denying this and do something about it. Now!
ME: *trying not to flail violently in my cubicle* DO WHAT? MAKE EVERY ONE LIKE ME!? Shut up and let me perform this temporary data entry position to make money and to live.
You see, “ME” is aware that in a *temporary* position, if someone really thinks you’re weird and crazy, then w/e you get to never see them again in three weeks. Brain does not. Brain also doesn’t understand that gainful employment is more important than petty insecurity.
Maybe it would be therapeutic to write a full scene where I get to where a brain costume and yell at myself. One of us would have to be pre-recorded… it’d be fitting for it to be the brain since what it tells me it’s been repeating for years and years now.