So I’ve been actively (and unknowingly) working ahead of myself in the 12 steps, attempting to make amends. This makes me feel like I should get a gold star on my drunky report card or something! I’m not sure which step it is, and I can’t say that my-ex and I have reconciled, but I can happily report that we are past the ugliness in a lot of really good ways. We ate out together tonight and it was just, nice. We went to a mexi restaurant Tres Pesos a bar and grill and somehow, I was able to put alcohol out of my mind (though it did jump in there like a photo-bomb about 37 times: how great would a drink be? God, you need a drink! You seem thirty, alcohol? …. This is another gold star to having an evening that admittedly is pretty unusual and stressful, and not drowning anything out. We aired out some things cautiously, we talked around several subjects, completely lost track of time, laughed some, and hugged goodbye.
I went to a meeting today too, which I can say may be the only reason I didn’t shut that spastic liquor monster up with a whiskey & ginger. The meeting was wonderful, we read from the blue book, or is it called the big book? And I shared with the group (all much, much older than my 22 years) how it continually astounds me how similar all of our stories are, sometimes even down to the oddly specific details. I can’t share those because Anonimity, but I can tell you that it is a true language.
And it may be some of the truest language I’ve ever heard. Other than a will to stop drinking, it’s pretty much the only imperative that you be honest. This makes for some nearly heartbreaking moments of authenticity, which is something so foreign to me and I would guess to most, that it’s almost cinematic. I realize, people aren’t like this. Like ever. People don’t where their ‘truths’ out like a prized handbag or pair of shoes. We are literally conditioned to do the exact opposite and ‘toughen up’ because ‘life’s a bitch’.
I had a thought today that recovering alcoholics may be some of the better people I’ve been around. And the whole God thing being part of the program… I’d wager that active members of AA are more true to the Christian disciplines of love and faith than steady churchgoers). You witness this in action in these meetings like I’ve never seen in a church.