Starting off not so good at this blog thing or the sober thing. I drank heavily Sunday night and again, for petty reasons, turned to wine. I had another post in between but I think its lost now. Shame. It was a happy shiny post, full of day three accomplishment.
I feel very disconnected and constipated, emotionally. I know that there are moves here to be made, I felt in my meeting this week; but I’m meeting them with stress and resistance, instead of with a whole and open heart. I want to get back to that warm and fuzzy creative place inside my own mind. The place where I feel supremely beautiful and the world looks the same. Where I’m writing here. The place where I feel goooood. Its deep but not dripping with all the connotations that a silly half-baked person would say: deep man, har har…. Its just literally further down in my psyche, I think.
Its an active place, and when I make the actions from that wellspring inside me without the external distractions—when I actually bade my own voice, my own intentions—it feel as if things line up and have some sort of order.
Without having that foundation, I feel like I’ve been poking and prodding at possibilities. Just irritating the shit out of myself with, say, looking for a car for two hours instead of working. Forcing myself to communicate and conduct myself in a certain way with the ex. Everything feels like this big push. Instead of resolute…
I think I’m definitely in a funk.
One of the things I feel like I’m forcing is this sobriety. I find myself outside of the place of clarity within me. It was crystalline my intentions, and the effects of alcohol. My first post. It all made sense. I didn’t set up any sort of ‘touch-stone’ other than going back to that post, though. Maybe that’s the key/ Of course, then I went most of the weekend without writing. Had my little bender Sunday night. And, fuck, just so many feels happening inside me right now! I am trying to get on top of it all, but I can’t. I am trying to accept, but its hard. I’m trying to figure and work and plan and it just seems like what I need to do is surrender to all this shit and I’ve about a chance in hell of doing that. I want someone to CONVINCE me that drinking is bad all over again. I want to be back on the ledge and a siege of people shaking their fists and telling me not to jump.
This seems selfish. This also seems unproductive. How can I do this if I’m just doing it for the angry mob? What’s it even worth if that’s the case? Doesn’t it only have intrinsic value for someone else, the someone who feels it is their life’s purpose to pull people off of ledges?