Then & Now

It’s certainly been awhile.  I’ve no idea how long actually.  Anyway, my latest work (other than avoiding getting work) had been on myself, and in the realm of the past.  I’m rather fixated on myself around age 17 versus who I am now.  For example, I wasn’t a supposed criminal then, now I can’t get a babysitting account for my wimpy charges  (for your assumed curiosity: misdemeanor possession of weed which wasn’t mine–though it could have been–and shoplifting from walmart, back when I convinced myself it was political action)

Here are so more facts I’ve just put together a la those fun myspace things everyone used to do!

10 Things about me then:

1-seriously into politics, a way of caring for the world at large and making change in the world

2-obsessed with ‘getting out’ ‘leaving’

3-I used to talk to myself, like I was being interviewed by Oprah. the voice, MY voice, was so clear.

4-I was passionate

5-I laughed more

6-I took risks, albeit silly or dangerous ones, but I did.

7-I could talk to people, anyone mostly. I liked it. I remember being assured I knew how to start and keep conversation.  I thought I knew how to say all the right things.

8-I was blind in believing and creating a path for myself. A faith unaffected by silly things like reality.

9-I didn’t need a lot of sleep.

10-I could make myself (and did) do just about anything. Self motivated, self starting.  An energy I regenerated effortlessly (albeit at times manically).

10 Things about Me now:

1-I’m much more interested in newagey things. Including feelings.

2-I don’t like the word faith. I don’t like doing things blindly.

3-I’m afraid of e v e r y t  hing.

4-When I was then, I’d just get bummed out. I’d have a nice dramatic cry, usually in a room by myself, and it’d be over with. My mom was also there for most of these. Now, I get depressed. It feels like I’ll be swallowed whole.  I also see now that depression can drag on forever and there are only two ways out: one, out and on and up. Forward.  And two: suicide, or something near self-infliction.  The pain has to match up somewhere on the outside.

5-Sometimes I’m smarter than I was then, and infinitely so, other days I’ve lost so much of what made me special.

6-I look back. I never used to do that. I never stopped not even for reflection.  It would have done me some good probably—and inevitably it has—but this is just obscene.

7-I feel like I care about other people more. I ‘SEE’ people. Their feelings at least make sense to me. I’m compassionate in a quieter way.

8-Jaded. Or worldly.

9-I’m recently coming to terms with myself (this step part of it) and I can admit things about myself without a coy defense, without the charms of protection.  I’m spoiled.  I’m a brat.  I like to be waited on. Part of me desperately wants to be a kept woman.

10-I watch better movies, listen to better music (!!!) and watch better TV. Part of that I’m almost positive was watching less CNN.


EDiT: One of us searched, meandered. The other was terribly impulsive.


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