I was so looking forward to waking up.
Next to you, as the sky turn blue, and filling each others cup.
coffee–like motor oil my mother says–because I never sleep enough.
What I’m doing, or trying to, is sort of shifting my creative frame. Its a goal. From what I usually do: make lists of things to do, often a poorly sought-through creative project–not to mention short-lived–to things more…substantial. Hence, a blog but something more substantial is also more fulfilling. And more fulfilling, in my life at least, would have to include others. No, not for others, but to include them. In the planning and production of creative efforts of goodwill and paradigm shifting ass-kickery, it is required to cooperate. and in the spirit of community and saving the world, including is also fairly important. also, it bears to be said, including them does not mean liking them a whole whole lot, or being their best friend/person- call-in-crisis-mode. if only for the sake of being more resilient and independent, i must–well would like to–become more immune to certain human traits in a way that doesnt make me a cold bitch. For the past two years, its been an immensely tormenting and comforting dream to disappear all Thoreau-style and just talk to trees and animals for a really long time. ive lived in a crossroads of numb and fear and disconnected mania. i havent disappeared to a cabin on a pond (or as I would have it, in the Blue Ridge Mountains) because my brain is wired too close to crazy for true solitude and i really love certain things that life with people provides. like laughing. and not wanting fall in a hole and never get out.
i want to increase my vocabulary, metaphysically–or perhaps energetically–speaking when it comes to communication and interpersonal relationships. after all, art is a form of communication, is it not? and blogging is an art, as well as a safe(-er) way to communicate. and everything we do communicates with something else, butterfly’s wings and all…
To the most extreme end of my rough-plan on saving the world, we–myself included as well as the United States culture as well as the world–have got to start dealing with each other. in real ways by having true exchanges and building earth-centered community. were all one. free love. thats it.
To the very practical point, i am surrounded currently–and by my own choice–by people whom i dont necessarily like a whole lot of the time. meaning i am 20 years old and live with my father, mother and 18-year year old sister. the crowded house we live in is in a small town of people that i dont necessarily like a whole lot of the time. And this has led me to the decision, upon becoming aware of the fact that it was a choice, that i will not be quite so insane as my mother (or the people in the small town). Since it is probably not likely that i will be as brilliantly insane as Hunter S. Thompson or Charlie Sheen, i have to draw some boundaries.
i refuse to walk the very thin line between my-bedroom-and-im-staying and okay-maybe-ill-go-grocery-shopping(-not). and i will not take any kind of medication that will permanently alter my brain and support a giant corruption in billions of people’s lives. i refuse to off myself in even a well-planned suicide stunt. and if im living then im going to be fucking great at it.
shifting my creative frame… right. just moving it, reframing it, dancing with how i DO my life so that i can deal with other people and, as it goes, deal with myself, and be the fabulous radiant being i know i am and, as it goes, others can too.